The stars we are given. The constellations we make.
6 unspoken guidelines for equitable and transformative gathering
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“The stars we are given. The constellations we make.” Rebecca Solnit
The work of bringing people together, no matter how or why you do it, can be a tiny, invisible, but powerful rebellion against the systems that work everyday to silo or divide us. And there are a lot of them.
In the past three weeks, I’ve attended four conferences, two professional events and two board meetings.1 And I am about to go to two more in the next few weeks. Some are in different cities, and with different people, from different fields. In fact, there has been hardly any overlap.
But all are different versions of gathering people.
Why do we do this? Why are we gathering?2
I collected and crafted some reminders of why, and of a few reminders about transformational people gathering needs that I recognize, but seem to go unsaid.
The Big Idea
“Gatherings aren't just events, they are moments that remind us of who we are, who we have been, and who we might become.” Priya Parker
It’s true that almost anything we might want to engage, learn or act upon is accessible to us if we know how to search. We can:
give to relief organizations,
get inspired about new technology, or
take a class in calculus.
But given all of this, we still go out of our way, or even pay serious dollars, to gather with others to do these things.
Why?
There is something truthful and magical that happens in rooms full of people sharing an experience. There is human connection, sure. Yet, I think it’s something more.
We want to be part of something bigger than ourselves.
In fact, research has found that our need for connection may be as fundamental as our need for food and water. In his book, Social3 (highly recommended!), scientist Matthew Lieberman highlights that many languages use the same words for social pain as for physical hurt.4
Lieberman says what this means is significant:5
“The things that cause us to feel pain are things that are evolutionarily recognized as threats to our survival and the existence of social pain is a sign that evolution has treated social connection like a necessity, not a luxury.”
Humans thrive when they are together for a purpose, a shared experience. Gathering in community really matters.
Making Big Ideas Usable
When we come together, what are the essentials we need to honor and recognize? Your feedback surveys won’t tell you. They’re usually unspoken fundamentals, but they need to be revealed.
I love gathering and facilitating, even in its unpredictability. I’ve been collecting unspokens that to me, make gathering meaningful. I share them here. I would love to hear yours.
1. Recognize that a multitude of realities exist
“At the human scale, in order to create a world that works for more people, for more life, we have to collaborate on the process of dreaming and visioning and implementing that world. We have to recognize that a multitude of realities have, do, and will exist.” — adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy
However divided and siloed we might be, we need to consider the multiple realities and needs we may be representing and serving.
Going to different meetings with different crowds these past few weeks has me thinking about all of those who were not represented, but whose realities must be considered in rooms full of investors, journalists, and technologists.
👉What are the realities, not represented in the room, do we need to consider? Where and how do we invite them in?
2. Recognize we are co-creating the future
“Co-creative cultures are the future. They inspire purpose in life. They create a brave space for magic to happen. Timeless principles, brave leadership, and creativity are the powerful combination companies are missing to differentiate their culture. This unlocks lasting joy and frees us from feeling alone.” Chris Deaver & Ian Cawson of the Next Big Idea Club
The community we are co-creating is not about content, it’s not about a platform, it’s not even really about individual people. The community is about the vision of the world you are co-creating together.
So what if your community is about gaming? Or hiking? Or illustrating children’s books? Are we infuencing the future? YES. And it is a huge opportunity.
The content or context almost does not matter. It’s connection that does.
A community for online gaming might have a vision for more joyful, less confrontational virtual world. That vision helps us all. A community of hikers might want to create a world in which being kind to nature is celebrated. That vision helps us all. A community of children’s book illustrators may want to imagine a world where everyone celebrates art, storytelling and children. That vision helps us all.
👉What’s the vision of the future your community can imagine together?
3. Recognize we need our edges to grow and fortify
“I find that my best work has happened during my most challenging collaborations, because there are actual differences that are converging and creating more space, ways forward that serve more than one worldview.” Gwendolyn VanSant, Community Organizer
In gathering, we cannot just get together with those who agree with one another about everything. We need to notice who we feel drawn to, and where we find ease. But we also need to draw close those who push us, who are part of our challenge network6 who want our ideas to succeed so they point out the gaps to fortify the whole.
👉Who challenges us? Who makes the edges of our ideas grow or fortify?
4. Recognize we need to prioritize joy, ease and rest
“What is easy is sustainable. Birds coast when they can.” — adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy
Burnout is trending. 7 And we all have those anxious thoughts in our minds that boil down to, “am I doing all I can?” Those thoughts lead us to go way beyond our capacity, dishonor our boundaries. (See burnout trending.)
Meaningful, action-oriented community gathering is hard. And it also requires a level of surrender. We cannot be burned out and overworked and create a community where people feel ease and connection. At least not for long.
Prioritizing joy, ease and rest is necessary inside and around any gathering. And I don’t mean self care, I mean community care. We want to laugh and connect over small and big things. It’s not extra. It is what makes connection sustainable.
👉What might we do collectively to make space and time for joy, ease and rest?
5. Recognize we need each other
“E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G—is connected. The soil needs rain, organic matter, air, worms and life in order to do what it needs to do to give and receive life. Each element is an essential component. Our work is intersectional and multifaceted.” ― Adrienne Maree Brown, Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds
Of all the investments we have choices to make right now, the most important one will be in each other, in People Based ideals, learning and collective action. It’s our cross overs, intersections and understandings that allow us to progress.
👉How is your work intersectional? Why does this matter?
6. Recognize a thirst for connection
A new friend and thought partner, Michele Martin, reminded me of this final one. Michele writes,
“…Part of what makes many events feel less successful is because they are not designed for connection. They may be designed for sharing information or for spreading ideas, but that's not the same as being designed so that people have the kinds of conversations that help them feel more connected and that evoke those positive emotions that go with connection. …Part of the reason there isn't a sense of joy, ease, and rest in many events is because they are not designed to make space for that and people are not invited to explicitly connect to that.”
It’s like we are all thirsty, and in front of us there are 100s or 1,000s of unopened containers of water in our room. Why are we not opening them?
👉What would it look like if gatherings were designed for connection, joy and ease?
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Over the course of my professional life, I have been to a silly number of conferences. Spring was ‘conference season’. I was sent to represent. Ok, I chose to go, too. I LOVE presenting and facilitating. But lately, getting back into them, I wonder why. Gathering matters. But only if do it well.
I wonder why we are not crossing boundaries more, but will save that for another post.
https://www.amazon.com/Social-Why-Brains-Wired-Connect/dp/0307889092
For example, in English, “she broke my heart” or “they hurt my feelings.”
When I got to the passage explaining how Tylenol works as effectively on emotional pain as it does physical pain, I actually said "Wow" out loud. 👉Lieberman (and colleagues, all of whom he generously mentions) has conducted quietly revolutionary research on humanity's need for social connections and explains, clearly and in a manner accessible to laypersons, how our human brains are built to crave emotional bonds with others and how that craving has helped us evolve. His research is profound, his writing is engaging, his findings are illuminating, and the subject is fascinating. I am left with even more appreciation of the necessity of human connection.
UPenn Professor Adam Grant suggests that we look to create “challenge networks” consisting of those who critique ideas and decisions thoughtfully. Challenge networks are not interested in seeing us fail, but rather want to help by exposing blind spots. “If you’re a ‘Ted Lasso’ fan, they are the Roy Kents of the world,” he says.
Burnout from workplace stress is at an all-time high since spring 2021, according to Future Forum. Of 10,243 full-time workers polled in six countries including the United States and the United Kingdom, over 40% said they are burned out, which the World Health Organization defines as an increased mental distance from one’s job, feelings of energy depletion and negativism.
Matthew Lieberman, wow. (Don't skip over footnote 5.)