Turning Down the Heat: Strategies for Having Constructive Conversations in Heated Times
How to Disagree Productively and Find Common Ground
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“Just because you hate someone doesn’t mean they’re wrong.” from The Cancelling of the American Mind by Greg Lukianoff and Rikki Schlott
“And just because you think someone is wrong doesn't mean you should hate them.” Sarah Singer Quast
In August of 2023, the Chronicle of Higher Education highlighted a new campaign in which more than a dozen college presidents are seeking to address growing free speech problems on their campuses. Seems even more timely today.
Michael S. Roth, president of Wesleyan University, explained,
“You learn by finding ways of having good conversations with people who don’t agree with you. And that’s not so easy these days.”
The goal of the campaign is to spotlight, uplift, and re-emphasize the principles of critical inquiry and civic discourse on their campuses. And though it is true that we learn from disagreement, we very rarely learn about or teach people how to have difficult conversations.
Coupled with that (or maybe because of that), there exists a disconcerting trend that’s been gaining momentum. We are censoring ourselves more than ever. The percentage of the American people not feeling free to express their views in any public way has tripled since the McCarthy era of the 1950s. In 2020, more than four in ten people reported they engaged in self-censorship. (Gibson & Sutherland, 2023)
I have felt this - a lack of teaching and learning and engaging in courageous conversations - acutely in conversations over the last few years. I myself need time to process. And if I steer clear of controversial topics in public, it feels safer. But as a result, I am quiet when maybe I need to be loud (and, also, listen).
Too much self censorship is dangerous.
It’s also true that this response undermines something fundamental and sacred in education and democracy. Censoring ourselves creates a world in which no one is listening, learning or leading outside their own lens. Isn’t the goal the education of encounter new ideas and explore diverse viewpoints?
Seeing around a person to an issue is much harder than just exploding and/or walking away. Healthy disagreement does happen, but it’s not magical. We need to learn how to do it.
We teach children how to be nice to each other, but rarely how to disagree with kindness and love. I am not sure if we actually know how.
The Big Idea
Without tools or skills to engage productively in disagreement, we silence ourselves and separate from those with whom we disagree. Clearly, not all issues lend easily to compromise, and not all problems have neatly packaged solutions.1 That said, we need to learn to ask questions to understand each other, share the life experiences that have shaped our views, and establish a collaborative goal, even when in conflict.
Barack Obama warned that accelerated by social media, there is this sense…
…that the way of making change is to be as judgmental as possible about other people. If I tweet or hashtag about how you didn't do something right or used the wrong verb, then I can sit back and feel pretty good about myself because 'Man did you see how woke I was? I called you out!
Kindness is the antidote.
In this era of relentless criticism and cancel culture, dismantling alternative voices means we exist in a perilous echo chamber. In response to all of this, I am trying to push through discomfort to have productive disagreements, to learn and listen so I can lead in my own ways.
I have been longing for sources and people to serve as world instructors.
Making Big Ideas Usable
For the past few years, I’ve had the opportunity to connect with a brilliant and creative group of educators, researchers, conflict negotiators and story listeners from Cortico, a non-profit that partners closely with the MIT Media Lab’s The Center for Constructive Communication. They have studied, created tools for, and championed learning around productive disagreement.
Their work underlines the fact that right now we need to:
fortify neural networks to ensure we can digest viewpoints unlike our own,
learn to calm our nervous systems when our instinct might be to fight or flee,
connect with others and find ways to question first.
In other words, how might we, in the words of Ted Lasso,
“Embrace curiosity over judgment”?
Based on their research and practices that benefit productive dialogue and constructive change, I share some bigger lessons.
1. Pre-commit to the possibility of being wrong.
So much of learning to disagree better is just acknowledging that maybe what we think we believe so strongly could be wrong.
2. Even though it’s difficult, you can’t script it.
Sometimes when preparing for difficult conversations, I prepare what to say. The truth is, that rarely works.
3. Ask for and offer experiences instead of opinions.
Research from psychology and political science demonstrates that people rarely change their minds about deeply held beliefs by just hearing facts. Sharing stories about personal experiences are more persuasive. It’s human to human connection that matters. Why an issue is important to you gets at the heart.
4. Replace ‘I know’ with ‘that’s true’ or ‘you’re right.’
People want to be heard. It does not change the direction, it just changes the vibe.
5. Ask questions to understand.
Expressing intellectual humility through connective questions can reduce barriers. Think about the difference between, “How can you possibly think that?” and “Can you tell me more about what led you to this view?” The second, more connective, question may open up a new conversation. Think of Ted Lasso. Be curious, not judgmental. More in this post.
6. Acknowledge emotions.
If we begin a discussion by authentically validating someone’s feelings, it can build into trust and mutual understanding. It does not mean we have to endorse their views, but acknowledge them and their perspective. More in this post.
7. Seek common ground in unexpected places.
Common ground can be found in a variety of places—from small things like shared interests to large things like shared goals or values. For example, two people who disagree about the solutions to homelessness can still agree that it is an important societal problem. More here.
Healthy disagreement is hard. It requires skills, practice, and a bit of bravery. And though disagreeing is common, and knowing how to disagree well is useful, we very rarely learn or teach skills regarding how to engage in effective disagreement. There are tools and resources that can help. Let’s use them.
I end with a quote from a recent Atlantic article by the founder of Cortico and the Director of the MIT Center for Constructive Communication, Deb Roy,
“We need to see and hear the humanity in others for democracy to function. We can and should create social networks designed for public discourse that prioritize inclusion, where underheard voices and perspectives can flourish, and where people take and offer disagreement in good faith.”
School of Thought 2024 Quarterly Gatherings
Connecting and Improving Youth’s Post Secondary Journey; with Teach For America’s Reinvention Lab Featuring: Colleen Keating and Elizabeth Booze
January 18th 4pm EST
Join to be inspired by this research and the visuals that accompany it. Keating-Crawford and Booze conducted an ethnographic study in 2023 on what life looks like after high school, which resulted in beautiful stories and graphics. They will share them in this interactive (super fun) presentation. They offer a personalized follow up for subscribers.
Human Listening, Machine Learning, Community Understanding with MIT Media Lab’s Cortico. Featuring Alex Berman and Hana Carey, March 19th in Philadelphia
In this session, Hana Carey and Alex Kelly Berman from Cortico, a non-profit that partners closely MIT Media Lab’s Center for Constructive Communication, will share strategies for engaging in constructive conversations with those who hold different worldviews. The idea is that building skills for human learning, when combined with machine (AI) learning brings us to broader conversations and more possibilities to cross views that divide us.
To join for these gatherings, become a paid subscriber!
If you’d like to learn more about our in person events, reach out!
Interested in resources? Some favs:
The Art of Explanation by Ros Askins Solid actionable advice. As you read, you see the advice in play as well. Anecdotes and examples are relatable and useful. It’s a resource with stories.
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory The book provides a how to for handling high stakes conversations.
See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love by Valerie Kaur Valarie Kaur has shined a light on what all of the major spiritual leaders through history have taught . Meet strangers with kindness.
Coupling this instinct with the fact that most Americans have distorted perceptions of the other side, we are now speaking different languages.
I learned quickly in my leadership roles that developing the ability to have difficult conversations in life is a necessity. Whether it's work or personal, hard conversations will come up and we cannot shy away from them. Better yet, we can get good at them if we change our mindset toward them.